My Consecration Notes
My main motive to my consecration was Mary herself. I had been through alcohol abuse, a widow maker heart attack, open-heart surgery, and recovery. After making it through all of that with her guidance and love, my deepest desire was to be closer to her and I wanted to be as close to her as she would allow me to be. Two weeks after my surgery was over, I experienced a solitary, very emotional and very spiritual, complete reset.
I completely realized who was in charge. I also realized who I wanted to care for me, to watch over me, to lead me, to be there when I need them, to love me. I shed a lot of tears.
Jesus was absolutely in charge of my life and all the events that had and were happening in it. He was responsible for all miracles that had occurred and everything the Blessed Mother had done he was in essence behind or completely in agreement with her in accomplishing. I had actually coded and died on a golf course. I would be completely healed before all was said and done.
My reset was also about my Blessed Mother, and very heavily so. I had a burning desire to be under her total care and as close to her as possible and that desire to led me to my consecration to her immaculate heart. I wanted this more than anything else, even more than my health. I wanted to “belong” to her, and I did belong to her. When this whole reset was over, I was hers. Lock, stock, and barrel. My consecration was the next step, and I wanted my relationship to the Blessed Mother to be permanent.
My fears and apprehensions
I quickly found out that Consecration to Mary was not as easy as I thought it would be. A lot was going to be required of me just to be consecrated. I could not get over giving everything to her. The Montfort method, as I call it, required this. She shall be over all of my spiritual life and be entitled to all of my stuff (not that she needed it or wanted it). She shall use the spiritual gifts that I had accumulated for her purposes. All of my gifts; whatever they were and regardless of whether I knew they existed or how I had managed to acquire them.
I began to vacillate on whether I really needed to do this. “What am I getting myself into”, I would ask over and over again. I would in essence talk myself out of doing this. The church itself and all that was going on it – the good and the bad; the clean and the filthy. I began to have second thoughts. But the burning desire remained in me through it all. I wanted her to be everything that she was allowed to be for me and now it was my decision and I wrestled with it every day. But I never really made a cut and dry decision.
I said to her “You have been with me all of this time and you have brought me all this way through all of this turmoil. You have done nothing but keep my best interest in your heart and you have looked out for me and delivered me to this point virtually unscathed. Whatever you want is the way this is going to be. I am completely stepping aside. All is in your hands now. Whatever you decide, I will do.” And I trusted her completely. This was very hard for me, but it was necessary for the growth of my faith, and it was just about all I could do. When I look back and analyze this situation, I believe I was maneuvered into this decision. I believe it was necessary to build trust. I also believe I made the right choice; actually, I know I did.
And she delivered … once again. Everything has worked out to perfection.